My body is a machine, that turns "Zhigulevskoye" beer

Into Article 319 of NRSFSR Criminal Code; Article 264.1 of NRSFSR Criminal Code; Article 318 of NRSFSR Criminal Code. These are real Russian criminal code articles: § 319 - Insulting a representative of official authority (such as a police officer) § 264.1 - DUI § 318 - Assault against a representative of official authority (such as a police officer)